Vagfrost
by Lystric
Summary: 21 year old Amber recalls her experiences of having an interdimensional vagina as she unwilling speaks to a psychologist.


**Okay. You're probably wondering how this idea came around. Let's just say it was a sleepover with two gay best friends who have no idea how a vagina works and who know I have a weakspot for Loki and funny fanfics.**

**P.s. I am writing this all via phone, so bear with the mistakes and autocorrect.**

* * *

"Let me get straight," the tall, blonde Russian woman known as my psychologist started, tapping her red ballpoint pen over her bottom lip, "Grown men fly out of vagina?"

Okay, maybe that isn't the _best_ way to start the clusterfuck of a story my life has turned into. Long story short, yes, men (and women) have been known to use my vaginal canal as a means of getting from dimension to dimension. No, I am not crazy.

"It's really not that simple, Viktoryia." I had only been with the intimidating woman for 15 minutes and I was already itching to leave. She had listened intently to my story until I got to the part where I turned 17 and discovered my lady bits were some sort of space-viking portal.

The end of her pen pushed further into her lip, accenting her frown. "Let start from beginning, yes?"

I slumped back into my chair and groaned.

* * *

I stirred to the warmth of sunlight on my cheek. I felt strange, and oddly sore. The entirety of my lower abdomen ached, the pinnicle of pain radiating from between my legs. I was also nauseated beyond belief, and as I pasted the facts together, I concluded I would never order from the dollar menu at Taco Bell ever again.

As I cracked open tired eyes, I was greeted with a wet spot on my pillow and a trickle of drool coming from the corner of my mouth.

"That's embarrassing," I muttered to myself, glad that no one had laid witness to my unconscious over-salavation.

"She wakes!" A booming voice yelled from the foot of my bed. I followed shortly with a scream of terror. I had sprung into a sitting position with my back to my headboard and my trusty pocket knife in hand. I knew keeping that bad boy under my pillow would be useful one day.

"Amber?" I heard my mom call worriedly up the stairs. I stared at the blonde man with wide eyes, him staring back at me with a look of horror that somehow rivaled my own. He put a hand up, probably to calm me, but I was not some wild animal that would relax from a simple gesture.

"Don't panic, child," a second, ancient voice echoed from behind the scruffy guy. Great. Another one. This one even had a fucking eyepatch.

"Sorry mom, woke up to a spider," I yelled back, slowly getting up to lock my door. "A big, hairy one."

I don't know why I was locking myself in a room with two strange men who looked like they had just stopped by after staying at a Renaissance convention, but I did. I didn't once lose eye contact with Scruffs as I backpedalled to the door. My back came into harsh contact with the grainy wood and I struggled to find the lock. I twisted it upwards and quickly crossed my arms across my chest, careful not to stab myself.

"So, care to explain what the _fuck _you are doing in my room at 6 in the morning?" I said flatly. Scruffs sighed and rubbed the back of his probably sweaty neck. Ew. I noted he carried some sort of mace in the other.

"And why the fuck are you dressed like nerds?" I studied the intricate armour and concluded that a.) these guys have a _lot _of time on their hands, and b.) most likely a lot of money.

"Our introductions have not gone as planned," Scruffs rumbled out. I rolled my eyes. "We were under the impression you would have woken up before the transaction."

Woah, hold the fuck on. Transaction?

"Are you trying to tell me you two… freaks, raped me!?" I yelled.

Scruffs' eyes widened in horror again, and he stumbled for words.

"Miss. Stone, are you implying that you assume we have stolen your virtue?"

Hold up. I know what you're thinking. Amber Stone? Yeah. Can you tell my parents are hippies? My younger sister is Ruby, by the way. Creative, right?

"That's _exactly _what I'm implying!" I hissed. I was ready to call the cops. I calculated the odds of reaching my cellphone before one or both of the medival rapists got me first.

"Why else would I have woken up sore with two weirdos in my room?" At this point I was trying to buy time, and perhaps barter a distraction.

I nonchalantly ruffled some brown tresses out of my eyes as I looked towards my dresser. "That is precisely what we are here to discuss," Eyepatch spoke up.

I snorted. "Great, a confession to the crime. Hold on while I get this on camera or something," I said as I strode to the white piece of furniture currently housing my phone.

I was stopped midway by a chainmail covered arm. "We are strict on time and have no intention of dealing with shenanigans. Sit down and listen well," Scruffs said almost delicately… if that was possible for a huge man in armour, a felt cape and weilding a fucking mace.

I clenched the pocket knife in my hand and gave up. I sighed with such fervor I could have been arrested on the spot for aggrivated assault.

Slowly I got back into bed, casually flipping over my pillow to hide the fact I drool sometimes. I crossed my legs and cleared my throat, glaring at Scruffs.

"Well? I haven't gotten all day here. I have an institution to attend," I drawled as I realized I was going to be late for school.

"Miss. Stone-" I cut him off by adding a sharp, "Amber," towards his direction. "…Amber," Scruffs started again.

"You house a very important artifact within yourself." I snorted and gave him a pointed look.

"Is my soul made out of rainbows and glitter?" I asked with a bored tone. Eyepatch gave me a one-eyed glare and I shut my mouth.

"What do you know of Norse mythology?" He seemed to have been trying a new approach.

"That you guys are fans of it...?"

Scruffs gave me a blank stare and I returned it with a forced smile. "This planet, your home, is one of nine realms. You are a Midgardian from Midgard. We are Asgardians from Asgard," Scruffs said with heated passion. His eyes seemed distant and I assumed they were on shrooms or something, which seemed to make sense.

"Right," I said. At least I was going to humour them a bit. "And to what do I owe you this spontaneous visit to Midgard?"

Scruffs gave me a grin. It was then I noticed he was pretty attractive... for a rapist into mythological cosplay. "There is a portal that connects the nine realms together. We find sometimes that there are other portals scattered across Yggdrasil that do the same thing. You have one of them." I raised an eyebrow.

"_I_ have one of them?" I echoed. I still wasn't buying this medival space shit. "Well, where is it then? You can have it back if it means that you'll leave me alone and forget about my existence."

Eyepatch chuckled. It gave me the creeps. "We cannot take something that is harboured inside of your body." I blanched.

"Wait… so you use these portals to get from your world to my world, right?" They both nodded.

"And you used my portal?" More nodding.

"Which is inside of me…" I got off of my bed only to collapse onto the ground. The knife rolled out of my hand and onto the floor with a clank.

Okay. This was only getting really weird, really fast, but no big deal… right?

"Where is this portal, exactly?" I said weakly as Scruffs pulled me into his chest.

"Where do Midgardian women birth from?"

And with that, my world went black.


End file.
